How To Get Along

Introduction

I was grocery shopping the other day and the cashier who was about nineteen was involved in a conversation with a woman about the same age. After she left he turned to me and said: "Women! You just can't get along with them." I said, "Well I have been married to one for 50 years." He said, "Wow! I would be in the dog house for fifty years." I didn't tell him I had visited that canine residence numerous times myself.

When I was pastor, a couple who had been married for 25 years developed marital conflicts and came to me for counseling. I talked with both of them together and individually. I thought we had healed some wounds and pacified some conflicts. But after I left that pastorate, the couple was divorced. The wife was devastated. She took all the blame on herself. She felt she was a total failure. A few years later, I received a call from the man. He said that he had learned the single life was not as exciting as he had thought. He and his former wife had joined a marital therapy group. And the outcome was they had decided to re-marry. They wanted me to perform the marriage ceremony. So I went back to the former church and performed the ceremony. The wedding was a meaningful and touching moment. We all congratulated them. We were happy for them. But after being married again the same old conflicts soon re-emerged. A couple of years later, I heard they had divorced again.

Getting along is not simple. It is not easy. It is complex. So how do you get along? This is the question we face every day. And the question is serious. For the most exhilarating joys and the most excruciating pains result from our successes and our failures in our relationships with others. And the closer we get to a person the more meaningful the joy that nurtures the soul and the more agonizing the sorrow that can scar us for life.

So how do you get along with people? Well we Christians have a distinct advantage. We have the textbook on how to get along. It is called the New Testament. Look with me at three lessons this textbook teaches.

I. The First Step in Getting Along is Confession

We Christians are experienced in this first step. This is the step we took when we became believers. We confessed we are sinners. We fall short. Confessing you are sinner means you are not omnipotent. You can't do all things.

Confession means you are not omniscient. You don't know all things.

Confession means you not omnibonum. You are not all good. No, like the rest of us: You are a sinner. Like the rest of us: You fall short. Such confession is a powerful dynamic in how to get along.

For in trying to reconcile differences, you start at the right place: not with your spouse, your child, your parent, your boss, your neighbor. No, you start with you.

A major problem in getting along is that we start with the other person. We want our spouse our children our parents our friends our-in laws our fellow workers to change. We want them to transform their personalities, traits, habits and perspectives so that all that they are and do fit smoothly with what we are and do. Thus, to get along with them, we don't have to change. They do.

So many marriages disintegrate because the bride and groom say, "O I know he/she has faults. And those faults seriously conflict with what I am, want and believe. But once we are married I will change him. I will change her. But changing your spouse is not quite as difficult as a leopard changing its spots, but it comes close.

Trying to get along, you have two prayers you can pray. You can stand beside the Pharisee and thank God you are not like other people with all their faults and failures. Or you can stand beside the Publican and pray the prayer of confession: "God be merciful unto me a sinner." Praying the Pharisee's prayer will ensure your efforts at reconciliation will founder. Praying the Publican's prayer offers hope for relational success.

The New Testament textbook on how to get along does not start with your spouse, your parent, your in-law, your neighbor or your boss. The New Testament starts with you. And you can change.

In fact, if you spent as much time and spiritual energy on changing yourself as you do changing others, you sure would have a lot more success in getting along. By confessing your sins and shortcomings, you first confess it all to God. You then experience His gift of forgiveness that occurred in Christ. At the cross, God forgave all your sins and overlooked all your shortcomings. By faith you simply accept God's gift of forgiveness and reconciliation. That marvelous grace removes your guilt and feelings of inadequacy that you are dragging around that are so toxic, malignant and alienating to all your relationships. But confession of sin is not a game of solitaire. Neither is it a monologue you address to God. No, confession of sin is like your confession of faith. You make it not only to God. You make it before people. "Whoever confesses me before men," Jesus said, "I will confess before my Father in heaven."

Likewise in reconciling differences between you and others, you must both confess your sins and failures first to God and then to others. By confessing your sins, I do not mean reciting trite, superficial stuff.

A priest after spending the day hearing the confessions of nuns said: "Hearing the confessions of nuns is like being stoned with popcorn."

But confessing your sin is not popcorn. The New Testament word for confession means "to say the same thing." So confession is opening your heart and getting to the very core of your being. Then you take a long, hard look at your very innermost, deepest levels. You see yourself just as you are.

Then you articulate in a confessional mode what you see. And you "say the same thing." You confess exactly and honestly what you see you are in your heart.

These are not popcorn words, but heart revealing, hard core facts. That is what you confess to God. And that is what you confess to your spouse. You say, "This is the way I am. I sin. I fall short." Then you delineate those failures.

So if you want that sick relationship healed, instead of demanding the estranged person confess his or her faults, you confess yours. And that will encourage your other person to start his or her own confession.

So you end up confessing your faults one to another and praying for one another. And guess what happens when that mutual sharing of confession and that mutual praying for one another occurs. That sick marriage can be healed. That broken relationship can be knitted back together...Listen to James: "Confess your faults one to another and pray for one another that you may be healed."

II. The Second Step in Getting Along is Imitation

The New Testament textbook on how to get along, has a second dynamic: Imitation. Jesus said that in your relationships with others you are to be like our Father in heaven. You are to imitate God.

In the Old Testament, the covenant of law said that if the people obeyed God's law, God would bless them. If they broke the law, the people would be under God's curse. So under the Old Testament law, God's behavior towards the people was governed by their behavior toward Him.

But in Jesus Christ, the Old Testament covenant of law was terminated. The kingdom of grace was inaugurated. Under grace, how does God relate to others? His behavior toward people is not governed by their behavior toward Him. Jesus taught God's grace. He said that God "causes His sun to rise on those who are evil and on those who are good. He sends rain on those who are righteous and on those who are unrighteous." So how does God relate? The way of love-love for everybody. For followers and enemies, for believers and unbelievers, for theists and atheists, for the just and the unjust. He relates in grace-grace toward everybody.

Jesus said that in our relationships we are to be like God in His relationships. We are to imitate God. So how do you get along? You model your behavior toward others-all others-in precisely the same way God behaves toward you. That is the way of grace. So Paul said, "Grace one another as God in Christ graced you." So in all our relationships we are to be people of grace.

But our problem is in our relationships, especially our conflict relationships, we relate under the law, not grace. For law and grace are not just theological terms we find in the Bible. Law and grace are relationship modes. Under law your behavior toward the other person is conditioned upon his behavior toward you. If the other person is critical, harsh and mean to you, then you will be critical harsh and mean to him.

If the other person is nice, kind and good to you, then you will be nice, kind and good to him. That is the law way that says an "eye for an eye a tooth for a tooth." It is the way of speaking only to those who speak to you. It is the way of loving only those who love you, of loving your neighbor and hating your enemy (Matthew 5:38ff). But that is the works of the law. That is not grace.

What is grace? "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us...While we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son" (Romans 5:8ff). How do we relate to others? We imitate God. We show the same grace toward others as God showed us. As Paul said: "Grace one another even as God in Christ graced you" (Philippians 4:32). So we love our enemies.

We love those who love us, and also those who don't. We speak to those who speak to us, and also those who don't (Matthew 5:38ff).

We are merciful just as God is always merciful (Luke 6:36).

We never speak evil of anyone (Titus 3:2). If someone has grievance against us, we exercise restraint and are gracious.

And we make sure we forgive, just as the Lord forgave us (Colossians 3:13). And we are always doing something good for those who hate us (Luke 6:27).

We bless those who curse us. We pray for those who insult us (Luke 6:28). We accept others in the same way as Christ accepted us (Romans 15:7). Everything we do, we do in love (I Corinthians 16:14).

So it is not an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. You don't just speak to those who speak to us. You speak to those who don't speak to you. You don't just love those who love you. You love those who don't love you. You love your enemies. And if you feel you have been treated unjustly and sinned against, you don't take revenge. You don't get even. You are always thinking of how you can do something good for your enemy.

For example, if someone steals from you, you don't accuse him of being a thief. You go to a store and buy him a present worth more than the item he stole from you. You wrap it in attractive paper and a bow ribbon and you give it to him with a card that expressed your appreciation for him and some good quality he possesses. And you conclude with the words "in the love and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ."

So when you are criticized, you compliment. When the other person is stingy, you are generous. When the other person is hostile, you are amiable. When he is inconsiderate, you are gracious. When he is vindictive, you are merciful.

The reason we do that is that is what God did for us. When we were enemies, God reconciled us unto Himself. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. We imitate God. I find it helpful that when someone has done something unjust, dishonest or hurtful toward me, I don't sing the old country music "somebody done me wrong song." I hum "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound..." Instead of letting that person's behavior control me, I try to control my behavior toward him by the grace of   Christ. "Be imitators of God." (Ephesians 5:1).

III. The Third Step in Getting Along is Submission

I am not claiming that if you try to get along people by living in a confessional mode and by imitating God by practicing grace that your relationship and conflict with estranged persons will always be success stories. That will not be. Even Jesus did not succeed with Judas Iscariot.

The third New Testament step in getting along is that of submission. By that I mean you do the best you can following in the footsteps of Jesus and handling the conflict situation with the estranged person as you believe Jesus would have handled it. And after prayer, forgiveness and repeated deeds of love and grace, the person rejects all your efforts at reconciliation, and he remains estranged and hostile, you simply submit the person and the conflict unto the Lord. You "take your burden to the Lord and leave it there."

Many today find themselves at a fork in the road in marriage. They have tried everything the New Testament says to do. They have been graceful, loving and forgiving. But the chronic, destructive, sometimes violent relationship gets no better. In fact, it gets worse. They find themselves at a fork in the road. They have only two ways to go. They have to choose whether to remain in this situation that is so spiritually, emotionally and sometimes physically destructive to them and others, particularly their children, or they have to choose to leave and get a divorce. There are no other choices. And both choices are bad. Both choices carry a heavy burden of pain. But if you come to that situation, before you make the choice, submit your spouse, your child, your marriage and yourself unto the Lord. Pray, "O Lord, I have done everything you said to do. I can do nothing else. I don't feel I can stay in this relationship and survive. I must protect my child. So Lord, I place it all in your hands. "Have thine own way, Lord. Have thine own way." The way of submission.

I met U.S. Senator Zell Miller when I first began the ministry of ethics and public affairs. It was my first experience of going to the state capitol and working on moral issue legislation. Zell Miller, who then was Georgia's Lieutenant Governor was most kind and helpful to me. He gave me credentials that I could sit inside the state Senate among the news reporters. Later I asked him to serve on my board of trustees and he did. When he first came out for the state lottery, I went to his office to see him. I expressed my disappointment and asked him to reconsider. He refused. So we mounted a campaign against the lottery. I worked vigorously opposing it during the 1992 election. Zell Miller previously had been an opponent of lottery. I went to see him once to ask his help in opposing horse track gambling - pari-mutuel betting. And he told me that what I should be opposing was the lottery for he had done a study of lottery. And that research showed that above all other forms of gambling state run lotteries exploited and hurt the poor the worst.

During the election, I reported this statement in the Baptist paper, the Christian Index and the Methodist paper the Wesleyan Christian Advocate. Zell Miller is a Methodist. As a result many got in touch with him to ask him if I had told the truth. He was honest. He said that he had made the statement, but he had now changed his mind. Well it is tough to win an election with a sitting governor vigorously promoting the cause you are supporting. But we had a great campaign. We came close to winning. We did win the election in three out of every four counties in Georgia. But the heavily populated counties defeated us. So the Georgia lottery began its operation. I take no pride in it; in fact, in a way, I regret it, but everything I said about lottery has come to pass. It is a con game run by the state government with misleading and alluring advertisements which results in exploitation and hurt to the poor just as Zell Miller once said.

For several years after the election, I had some tough, harsh feelings toward him. He was a Christian and had once been considered as a lay preacher for the Methodist church. I carried these bitter hostile feelings around with me. About five years late, the Georgia Baptist Convention GBC conducted prayer meetings across the state. I was asked to come and present some moral issues about which we could pray. My feelings toward Zell Miller had been bothering me. I knew my hostile feelings were contrary to the grace of Jesus Christ. So during one of the prayer meetings when the Convention's Executive Director, Dr. J. Robert White, was presiding, I stood and asked prayer for me, I confessed my feelings toward then Governor Miller. I said that although what he did was wrong, I was wrong to feel this hostile, bitter, and unforgiving way to a Christian brother. During the prayer time, Dr. White particularly prayed for me. And I left that prayer meeting with my hostile, bitter feelings gone.

About two years later I worked to pass legislation in Georgia that protected churches from being taxed - as some were - which is in the long run a threat to religious liberty. After a lot of hard work, the Georgia General Assembly passed the bill unanimously. So legislators who had sponsored the bill and those of us who had worked for it gathered in Governor Miller's office to witness his signature of the bill. We shook hands. And all my hostile feelings were gone.

A while back, I wrote on a sheet of paper the name of everyone whom I could remember had done something unjust and painful to me. Some of these burdens I had carried around for years. Then I prayed over every wrongful act and called every name and forgave everyone. Then I prayed that the Lord would bless that person. Then I set about to be reconciled to any many as was possible. Then I took that list and with a marker wrote across it the word: "FORGIVEN." What a liberating, joyful way to live, not only receiving the forgiveness of God for all your sins, but also to imitate God by forgiving all the sins of all who have sinned against you.

Conclusion

The Civil War was the bitterest and costliest war we ever fought. Americans suffered more casualties in the Civil War than in any other war we ever fought. But near the end of that tragic conflict, the President who had led the nation to victory and preserved the Union, stated in his second inaugural address his perception of how the nation should relate to the subjugated Southern states, the former battlefield enemies. He said, "With malice toward none; with charity toward all...let us strive...to bind up the nation's wounds." President Lincoln may not have defined his words as grace, but they were. How do you get along with others? The New Testament answers: "Be kind, tender-hearted, forgiving others, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).